THESE DAMN WORDS

When i feel overwhelmed, like my emotions are making me nauseous, my somatic response is to throw up. BUT I DON't I can't throw up, it comes out through my fingers? I have to end up typing writing these words that I hope you barely even skim. I want you to jump from paragraph to paragraph from line to line, to make out slowly what shapes these letters make out on the page. THERE IS NO GROUND TRUTH, there is emotion there is sound there are repetitive phrases and slight differences between them. THERE are symbols, there is meaning I convey and I hope you find it wherever. Just stick alongside me for the ride.

I throw up with my hands moving in waves, acting like they're in a monkey type text, they want to be heard more than me even. I just want to get rid of whatever this is. I'll throw up i will. I will be unable to move, my arms tingle the legs grow weak from staying still, this is what it is like to let your subconscious take over.

In the surrealist movement, they slept and let their hands write, drift off into their subconsciousness, and they wanted that to speak, they experimented with all the ways to be heard on deeper levels than just writing and carefully constructing. There was that too but they were open. THEY WERE OPEN, and we still are. And when you are faced with all this insanity this absurdity is there even any other way to be? Gosh I just hope these words escape, If i don't. If i stay here, If I am locked away, If I cannot be reached. I hope these words will leave, I know they will. It's inevitable. Oh how coincidences happen. Maybe they'll be found.

I can't worry about that now. Not event that I should or shouldn't. What a silly notion, the should and shouldn't is.

When you listen to someone's music, to someones words, their poetry, their slice of this life and how they went through it, you might make an effort, and the beauty is in how raw what they've conveyed and how raw is what you inferred, and i hope you get that in my writing. Things ease out, it gets better, theres no right and wrong way to read a text. It's okay. it's okay. We are okay

I always feel the need to write after I write something that is sent out to say "thank you for reading" because I genuinely feel that. I hope it did whatever for you,

it doesn't need to resonate, it doesn't need to mean. it just needs to be. And i forget that the same is required of me. but i'm trying to remember that. I am.