What is going on
Woah,
I take off my headphones and I realize that this space that I had, that I considered sacred, that I felt completely overwhelmed by, and that I feel safe in, was so extremely personal.
It was constructed.
This echo chamber of mine, oh how I love you.
At 3:28 am there is rarely a peep from the environment past the hum of the fridge, Oh how I am grateful to exist and to be in a home. To have somewhere soft to sleep, to be weaseling around making things with the fridge where I have ingredients such as butter and leftovers I can snack on, and to watch the ripening of fruit on the counter where I will I can wait to pluck it at it's peak.
I can go on and on about how every part of my life is blessed and how I am safe. I am safe.
I am safe.
My mind wanders. It does that a lot. I wonder if this is dreaming awake. I heard about that. Dreaming awake. From The world for world is forest. I wonder if there are things I am not tapped into, there are parts of myself that my brain touches that I have not honed, not been able to control, or at least I am not conscious of being able to control it.
It's okay, i think that the parts I was predisposed to will be good enough for now. We can't really worry too much about it, lest we abandon our preoccupations.
What is going on!
OH WHAT IS GOING ON?!
My mind is unhooked from the aux cable, The ears hiding under my ears get a taste of the burning silence filled with new hums, yet only a taste. Immediately after I come to be, and I am thrown back in wondering the same thoughts, albeit slightly different. SMACK me next time I say anything is the same. because they aren't. ThEY are not.
My brain is slowly lifted up by the wind, and an overwhelming rush of cool air fills the small gaps left by overcrowding of the things I love. Sorry brain!
When I am on the subway, I am amazed there are not more schizophrenics jumping on and robbing everyone. Not necessarily do they have to be schizophrenics, or robbing anyone for that matter. Actually I hate that sentence, forget I even wrote it. I love schizophrenics and I wonder how meaningful our worlds would be. Robbing is a different story, I would rather we don't rob each other, but that may be a request too great on my part.
anywho I am equally stunned by the seemingly normality of everyone.
Taking the subway late at night reminds me of microcosms. It reminds me of everything, of every system, of every complex game, of all the variables, of the main structure of the world, and all it's microadjustments. Of how predictable and yet how unpredictable each point is in this dataset.
It reminds me of the purpose that is played by each and every member on the car. Unfamiliar things make me scared.
I'm sure they unsettle you to a certain extent. And for the second that you may be a neighsayer- call that a horse, then you may ~unbeknownst to you~ be familiar with that sort of unfamiliarity, then you can't come for me because, loopy logic or whatever. I am also the shape of text hehe, so that is an added bonus for why you can't scream at me.
anywho I am stunned by what a different headspace I occupy.
I have needed to shit so badly on the subway heading home was a disaster. I began sweating, I began swallowing my own spit to distract myself. I bit my tongue every time I needed to fart, because it was those bad ones. And yet I was on the subway at rushhour. Oh how everyone could be in their world.
I eat raw dough at work, I shouldn't and there are two times, the two times that I even got to do it, I became very sick, or at least could tell my body was fighting someone. how silly of me.
05/01/25 It's a new day and I am graced with the continuing thought of what the fuck is going on.
noone will tell me, i don't think anyone knows. How can you just conk out, forget that this world even exists, forget that theres a moment, laugh with your neighbor, jump for joy, forget the people who have blue auras around you, because when life will pass life will pass. when we die we die. You look warm to me, you look warm and homey to me, Why do you feel so safe? why do you not?
There are people and there are energies that everyone is carrying from day to day, and when you refuse to look me in the eye and when you choose to bring an energy that feels off, I need to know better and turn away. I need to understand that no one can pull you out except for yourself. How do i understand that if frankly I can't understand you! I can't see how you ~can't~ won't take your mind out of where it is, and look once again at this beautiful world and see how stunning it is. It's stunning. Its stunning its absolutely stunning. The colors all meld together, the tea is getting cold, and I want you to notice how the string sits on the rim of the glass. This will be the last moment that that string will sit there ever in this moment at all.
I began to cry as the accordionist plays to the orchestra of the golden blanket on the pointillist folliage. There's no way they could have known this moment was going to happen. and all of the best things are call and response. Can it be call and response if you think you are being spoken to? Can you respond to the call coming from the void, the rumble, and feel chosen by it? Or maybe you don't even feel that it's chosen you, but to leave it wanting is cruel. Or maybe you feel the need to call out to it.
Scream into the void. Scream. Scream?
05/05/25
I can't figure any of this out. I'm lost and i know I'm lost. I spend the money that I earn, it's just money. theres something. No patterns in anything. Theres a funny thing about contexts,
I want to switch them so much but I don't know the first thing about existing in one and building off of it.
I went to a saya gray concert. I loved every minute of it. I was partly on shrooms :) but it was beautiful. so wonderful. Every moment was so wonderful, and fleeting, and more beautiful because of that. New york in the rain is beautiful. at least now.
what is going on.
what is.
i have so many words, and english is just a series of stumbling syllables. I couldn't hope to express them.